Learning How to Create an Identity Outside of Our Accomplishments

This episode is dedicated to all of my self-identified overachievers or high-performance addicts. This podcast is a special one for the girls who put tons of pressure on themselves to achieve and feel “less than” when they don’t. Research shows that many people with high-pressure jobs are unhappy with their career history and trajectory even though they worked their entire lives to get to that point. Some people take this a step further and identify so closely with their jobs that hating their job becomes synonymous with hating themselves. Psychologists refer to this as “enmeshment,” which is where the individuals lose and let go of their sense of self and identity, and the lines start to blur. Today we’re going to get into this idea of enmeshment, why it’s dangerous, and Some of the ways we can navigate it.

Listen to “Episode 10- Creating an Identity Outside of Work” on Spreaker.

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Why can enmeshment be dangerous?

When we can’t separate the idea of our careers and how we show up there from who we are as people, it puts us at risk for significant identity crises when we face things like burnout, layoffs, or even down the road, retirement. Not knowing who we are, what makes us unique and valuable can put us at risk for depression, anxiety, agony, and every other big word you can think of when you get separated from that identifier. Understanding this risk shows us why it’s important to have hobbies, passions, interests—finding those things you like to do for yourself and not someone else. When you set aside time for you to be a human being outside of a corporate setting, you’re allowing yourself to not only create balance but a more multilayered and multifaceted sense of identity and values.

Why do we face enmeshment in the first place?

If you’ve been exposed to highly competitive university or job environments, you know that in places like these, where the pressure is always on, it can feel like you get rewarded for doing more.

Whether it’s the dean’s list, a raise, a shoutout, or a promotion, the more hours you put in, the closer you get to a sense of “achievement”. Psychologists have shown that the more hours we spend dedicating ourselves to this intense work, the more closely tied these activities become to our sense of self.

Enmeshment can cause people to operate out of the fear of failure. Rather than pursuing personal goals and passions, people live their lives based on the expectations of other people rather than discovering what they enjoy. Rather than finding and defining their own identities, their identities become intertwined with this idea of success and how they can chase after it.

Ways Around enmeshment: creating your own identity

1. Think about your introduction

Don’t think about it too hard but write down how you would introduce yourself to someone you’re meeting for the first time, maybe at a dinner party or happy hour.

Now look at what you wrote:

How many times did you namedrop your job, your company, degrees, or other accolades?

Seriously ask yourself, Is this all there is to you?

If you filled your whole description with this, I’m going to push back and have you try to figure out other ways you can describe yourself to someone who has no idea who you are.

2. Focusing on Impact

It’s difficult to escape her professions and Alma Maters because we spend so much time in these places. The people we meet rub off on us; the projects we work on shape our lives, so yes, we’re going to talk about them. We’re going to talk about promotions and setbacks. But let’s reframe the way that we talk about ourselves as it relates to our work. Think about the skills you have that allow you to thrive and set yourself apart in your role or even outside of your position (if you have a passion project) rather than restricting yourself to a job title or a company name.

3. What do you do for fun?

In this case, “fun” excludes Netflix. I love a good binge session, too, but depending on what we’re watching, it isn’t always the most stimulating way to pass the time. I love my shows. I will never tell you to stop watching yours but try finding something else that you enjoy. It can be fitness, writing, reading, meditation, art, cooking; The options are endless. Try shopping around to find something that brings you joy and that you can explore outside of work and streaming videos. You don’t have to commit anything but start small and try different things until you find what you love.

4. What are you thinking about when you aren’t at Work?

Given that we are at home, this means the moment that you close your laptop. Do you close your laptop?

Think about what you are thinking or worrying about when you’re off the clock. Are you struggling to talk about things that have nothing to do with your job, or do you find it hard to connect with people who don’t do the same type of “job” or level of work that you do? Do you find it hard to log off of your computer? It’s crucial to give yourself time away from the screen for the sake of your brain.

5. Figure out what matters

There are tons of formal exercises that you can do to discover your value system. I like to sit down ever so often and think about what my ideal life would look like if I were super content in a few significant areas such as family, relationships, business, and finances. I visualize those areas, write everything down, and from there, I can extract a few words and statements. For example, some of mine are creative autonomy, independent Work, and family time. Knowing these things allows me to make sure that I’m making time for them or that I’m putting myself in spaces and work environments where I can have them.