A Beginners Guide: How to Set Self-Care Boundaries (without feeling guilty)
Are you struggling with creating self-care boundaries? This post is our comprehensive guide to personal boundaries that every young professional woman should have in her locker.
Setting self-care boundaries is a concept we've heard thrown around multiple times. A simple scroll down the TikTok therapy rabbit hole will tell you that yours aren't strong enough. Spend enough time on your phone, and you'll learn how to build such firm boundaries that you are magically impenetrable to all threats. I think we can leave some room for nuance here.
These concepts sound magical in theory(or a bit like a guilt trip, depending on who you ask). However, it can feel challenging when it comes time to dive deep into this realm of personal boundary setting and understand how we implement them in our lives. So how do we change this?
For many of us, especially as young professional women (I can attest to this), we've been conditioned to put the needs of others before our own. So much so that something as simple as saying no can make us feel like we're committing a crime. However, it's essential to recognize that boundaries are a form of self-care. A strong sense of identity, core values, and personal boundaries can help safeguard our physical, mental, and emotional selves.
Today we're going to discuss the concept of healthy boundaries. How can we create them in our personal lives to move past the guilt we're conditioned to feel? We'll learn how boundaries are essential for self-care, examples of self-boundaries, and how we can set boundaries with ourselves. Uncovering this information allows us to feel more empowered about our choices.
This article is about self-care boundaries and how we can set and keep them in our lives without feeling guilty.
Related Post: Getting to know Work-Life Balance: A Guide to Setting Boundaries
Table of Contents
What is a self-care boundary?
A boundary, in the literal sense, is something that creates separation. It keeps desirable things protected while simultaneously keeping threats out. Think of a boundary as the VIP Pass to your life. Of course, it's essential to recognize that various forms of boundaries exist. Still, the easiest way I can think to separate them is physical vs. mental and emotional boundaries.
What are physical boundaries?
When it comes to our personal lives, this literal definition is similar to a physical boundary. When we set physical boundaries, they help separate us from the people we find triggering, threatening, or bothersome. Physical boundaries make it very clear to ourselves and others what counts as personal vs. shared space. Physical boundaries can cover things like touch and personal space. For example, deciding who you feel comfortable giving hugs to vs. who you feel comfortable giving a handshake to. They can dictate who you feel comfortable inviting into your home vs. meeting for happy hour. Physical boundaries also extend to your more basic needs, such as controlling your sleeping and eating schedule so that you can show up as your best self.
What are mental and emotional boundaries?
We use mental and emotional boundaries to help define and understand our feelings, needs, and emotions. Getting clear on what our boundaries are in this department enables us to understand our thoughts and feelings as our own, safe from the influence of others. A healthy separation allows us to keep ourselves safe from potential manipulation and toxic behavior. It means we have personal limits on the treatment we will and won't accept from other people.
Why self-care boundaries matter
Without firm boundaries, we tend to sacrifice our sense of self. We can overextend ourselves and also lose sight of who we are. When we don't hold space for ourselves, it becomes challenging to have a basic understanding of what we like and don't like. We become confused about how we feel about specific topics and ideas. Lastly, we pour ourselves out to others without properly caring for ourselves.
This sense of confusion can stem from everything from social media to relationships. For example, When we spend our days scrolling on Instagram and TikTok, it is effortless to become consumed by trends and other people's lives. As a result, we adopt ideas that aren't our own and repeat them without even realizing it.
Take this quote on healthy personal boundaries from Sharon Martin, LCSW:
Boundaries are guidelines and expectations that we set in relationships. Boundaries help both parties understand how to behave—what behavior is acceptable and what won’t be tolerated. If you feel unsafe or on edge with someone, there’s probably a lack of clear and consistent boundaries.
Sharon Martin, LCSW (source)
How are boundaries important for self-care?
As we unpacked before, boundaries are crucial for self-care. Setting personal boundaries means we actively try to hold space for ourselves. When we have a clear idea of what matters to us, we know what to ask for of ourselves and others. This inner knowing, however, requires us to be very clear on our core values. As I mentioned before, having healthy personal boundaries makes it much easier to focus on what matters to you while filtering out the noise from everyone else.
Instead of being caught up in the rat race and feeling influenced by others, you'll have a clear view of what makes sense for you and your life vs. what you'd rather miss out on. Sometimes we feel we must conform to the group and do what everyone else is doing to be "accepted," when this could not be further from the truth. When you have firm boundaries, you'll no longer find yourself saying yes to things that make you uncomfortable.
When we are clear on our boundaries, we can pay better attention to our physical and mental health and the quality of our relationships.
Creating space for ourselves allows us to reflect and process our feelings and understand that they are separate from other peoples'. It can be easy to forget that we are not responsible for and cannot control how other people react to us. When we lack personal boundaries, it becomes exhausting.
When our boundaries are weak, we are much more likely to take on the weight of other people's feelings and reactions and attempt to take responsibility for them. As a result, we may start overcompensating by taking on more work in our personal and professional lives than is necessary. Additionally, we may begin to allow others to take advantage of our kindness and willingness to help, which will profoundly impact our mental and emotional health.
Related Post: Learning How to Face Fear Head on AND 6 Ways to Manage it
What are examples of self-care boundaries?
Curious about how self-care boundaries can look in your own life? Some examples include:
- Declining an invitation to an event because you are feeling exhausted from work or your personal life this week.
- Putting a do not disturb block on your calendar after your working hours so that you can have time to recharge for the next day.
- Putting your phone on do not disturb an hour before bedtime so that you can wind down from the day and avoid the endless scrolling that keeps you up until 2 AM.
- Respectfully ending a conversation when someone speaks to you in a way that makes you feel disrespected. This could look like ending a phone call or walking away from a conversation.
overcoming guilt and setting self-care boundaries with yourself
Many of us feel guilty for setting boundaries based on our conditioning. For example, if our role models, parents, and caretakers did not have solid boundaries, we learned that this was our norm. Some of us were taught to be caretakers and had to accept many adult responsibilities at a young age. In this way, it is easy to think having little space for ourselves is normal. Growing up, adults may have shamed us for asserting our needs out of a desire for "respect" to authority. Any combination of these things will make us think it's OK to push our needs to the side, resulting in a lack of boundaries.
Once we grow up, we can consciously decide to change this. So how do we overcome our guilt to start setting healthy boundaries? First, we can begin by remembering that boundaries are a form of self-care. Once we accept the basic fact that it is our right to look after ourselves, we will feel less guilty. We eat vegetables and take our vitamins to care for our bodies and physical health, so why not do the same for mental and emotional health? Setting boundaries is what's good for us.
Not only is it good for us but those around us. When we have healthy boundaries, the people in our lives benefit as well. People know how to treat us when we communicate our needs. They respect us more when we can assert ourselves and prioritize our well-being. Plus, the better care we take of ourselves, the better we feel. The better we feel, the happier we are, and the better we can interact with others. We feel healthier, more stable, and less reactive, making us much more pleasurable to be around.
When we have a healthy system for setting boundaries, it most likely means that we are more plugged into ourselves, how we feel, and what we need. We're taking a close look at our thoughts and feelings and any sensations in our physical bodies. This practice is more commonly known as mindfulness. You can do this by simply taking quiet moments for yourself or even journaling. Consistently checking in with yourself about your feelings and needs will help you become in tune with yourself and give you a clearer sense of how to build your self-care practice.
Lastly, one of the most significant steps we can take is getting over the need to be perfect. So many of us are learning from our past and creating a new path forward. It's essential to remain patient as we take these steps of growth.
Important things to consider about setting self-care boundaries
Boundaries are not fixed but reflect the person you are and the lessons you've learned up until now. As you continue to grow, allow your boundaries to grow and change with you. These rules are not set in stone. No one is coming for you if you need to grant yourself an exception from time to time. Allow yourself the gift of being human. Just because you say no to something now does not mean that this will be the state of your life forever.
You may not get it right the first time: setting self-care boundaries takes practice and may not come quickly to you at first. After years and potential decades of programming, you'll have to be forgiving of yourself if you backslide. The good news is the more you stick to them, especially in the moments that challenge you (yes-woman moments), the more confident you will feel over time.
The Reading List
We'd never introduce you to a concept without providing resources for further learning. Here are some books we're adding to our shelf here at The Chroma Network on boundaries and self care! Happy reading.
Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab
This is a book I've heard about constantly since its release so I can't wait to jump into it. I think we've communally agreed that it's good as it was rated an "Instant New York Times bestseller" Nedra Glover Tawwab is a licensed counselor and relationship expert with an Instagram presence to match her reputation. She uses her book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace to demystify what it means to have healthy boundaries in today's world based on research and best practices rooted in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
The Set Boundaries Workbook: Practical Exercises for Understanding Your Needs and Setting Healthy Limits by Nedra Glover Tawwab
And what's a good book without a workbook to match? Nedra Glover Tawwab created the Set Boundaries Workbook as an accessible resource for understanding our needs so that we can start setting and enforcing healthy boundaries in our everyday lives. We love to see it.
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
This is a book I consider to be one of the OGs on boundary setting. Another New York Times bestseller, Boundaries gives us the breakdown on how to set the boundaries we need to transform our everyday life. Expect to understand the ins and outs of when to say yes vs. no, managing our digital lives, navigating relationships of all kinds (the good and the bad ones), and more.
